KNB Rule #1: No One Walks Into the Room Alone
This post originally appeared in Beyond Handshakes, a KNB newsletter exploring the unspoken rules of networking, belonging, and what it takes to cross big changes in a new place. Subscribe to Beyond Handshakes →
You hear this advice all the time: “Show up scared.”
People say, Just do it. Be brave. Go in, even if you feel nervous.
For a long time, I wasn’t sure why that advice didn’t sit well with me. It sounds empowering, right? It seems supportive.
Walking in alone isn’t just about fear or courage. It also brings instant added pressure.
It’s Self-Presentation Pressure
But “show up scared” misses something important:
There’s self-presentation pressure: feeling like you have to look confident, seem successful, and act “okay” even if you don’t feel that way.
When you walk into a networking event, a community gathering, or a classroom, you’re instantly juggling:
How you look
How you sound
Whether you seem lost
Whether you seem like you belong
Whether people think you’re worth talking to
You try to hide your anxiety, your confusion, and the fact that you don’t know “how things work here.”
Research shows that pressure to look good leads to more stress, loneliness, and feeling worn out.
For many, especially newcomers, the real challenge isn’t just fear—it’s the constant pressure to act a certain way and fit in.
For Newcomers, That Pressure Stacks
If you’re new here and only staying for a while, that self-presentation pressure isn’t the only thing you’re dealing with.
It piles up with other worries, like:
Visa stress - “Will I even get to stay?”
Money stress - “Can I afford to keep doing this?”
Tired from working just to get by - “I’m already tired before I even walk in.”
Culture shock - “I’m still figuring out this country.”
Language pressure - “Will they understand me? Will I understand them?”
You’re supposed to walk in, look confident, and make connections?
That’s not just scary. It’s exhausting before you start.
The Fall Gathering That Changed Everything
At one fall gathering, three international students registered. Only one showed up.
Later, someone told me:
“I reached the building, but I didn’t know where to go next, and I felt stupid for not knowing… so I left.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about that sentence.
It wasn’t about confidence or being scared.
It’s about being the only person who doesn’t know what to do, while everyone else seems to have it figured out.
That’s when I realized the real problem isn’t a lack of courage. It’s how social spaces and events are set up to make things harder. How we plan for people to enter matters most.
What If Rooms Didn’t Have to Feel That Way?
That’s how KNB Rule #1 started. To really support newcomers and make it easier to fit in, we make sure no one has to walk into the room alone. We focus on how people enter.
It’s not just for kindness or comfort.
Arriving together makes the city feel smaller, takes some of the pressure off, and gives you less to worry about.
How This Rule Shows Up in KNB
We can’t promise to get it perfect, but here are some ways we try to follow this rule:
✨ Before gatherings:
We send details like:
Exact location (not just an address, but “which building, which entrance”)
What the entrance looks like
What usually happens in the first 10 minutes
Whether there’s food, what kind, and whether you need to bring anything
Why? So the room feels familiar, and you can imagine yourself there before you even arrive.
✨ Buddy arrivals:
When we can, we'll encourage people to walk in together instead of alone:
A KNB host will wait at a central meeting spot 15-20 minutes before the gathering starts
If you'd rather not enter alone, you can meet there and walk in with the host and whoever else shows up
For people who already know someone attending, we'll share the attendee list (with permission) so you can coordinate
Why? To hear a familiar voice as you enter, not rehearse alone.
✨ Inside the room:
Sometimes, we ask people to make a quiet promise: Look at one or two people nearby and think, “If I see you standing alone later, I’ll come back for you.”
It’s a small thing, but it changes the whole room.
Why? The burden of making connections shouldn’t just fall on the people who feel the most alone.
This Isn’t Just About Newcomers
I’ve heard versions of this from:
Introverts at professional networking events
People are returning to social spaces after experiencing grief or feeling worn out.
Anyone who’s moved to a new city and doesn’t know the local rhythms yet
Students in new academic programs where everyone else seems to already know each other
“Show up scared” assumes that getting through the door is the hardest part.
For many people, walking in is just the beginning of performing.
What KNB Is Learning
We’re learning that:
Having a clear structure takes some of the pressure off. When we plan how people enter, they don’t have to pretend to feel confident.
Arriving together isn’t a weakness. It’s smart. It’s kind. Sometimes, it’s what helps you get through.
Small gestures like a voice note, a meeting spot, or a promise to look for someone aren’t just extras. They’re part of the foundation.
KNB Rule #1 isn’t just a policy. It’s our answer to a big question:
How can we design every entry so no one has to face those pressures alone?
Not because people can’t do it, but because they shouldn’t have to.
An Invitation
At your next event in Kingston, whether it’s a class, a networking night, or a community meeting, pay attention to what changes when you don’t walk in alone.
Is there someone you can message beforehand?
Is there someone you can quietly “go back for” if you see them standing alone?
And when you’re ready, you can try out this rule with us in a KNB room.
Because you don’t have to walk into rooms by yourself anymore.
Take care,
💛 Gail Manigsaca
Next KNB gathering: March 2026. See what’s coming up →
Sources:
*National Library of Medicine. “The Role of False Self-Presentation and Social Comparison in Excessive Social Media Use” https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12109065/
**Toronto Metropolitan University. "Seeing Belonging Through a Newcomer Lens," https://www.torontomu.ca/bridging-divides/magazine/issue-2/narratives-of-citizenship-seeing-belonging-through-newcomer-lens/
